Why we use reins

The choice to use reins is a controversial issue which comes up repeatedly with people I talk to. Here I explain why we chose to use reins and how they aid us in teaching our children about road and crowd safety.

We live in a village where there are roads without paths. This makes it hard to go for walks with the boys as I am constantly fearing a car will zoom round the corner and not see them. This has to be the main reason we began to use reins with our oldest son. We thought carefully about this decision and decided that it was a better option than him having to hold our hands all the time (although he does have to hold hands to cross the road-always). If you imagine having to walk with your hand up in the air even for 2 or 3 minutes it starts to feel uncomfortable. The blood drains down and you are not free to touch interesting things around you. This is how it is for a small person who must hold their parents hand for any length of time. The reins gave our boy the freedom to walk alone and be in contact with what he discovers on his wanderings, and we feel he is safe.

That´s not to say we put the reins on and forget the import lessons of road safety. When we are on a stretch of road with a path we take the reins off and walk close to him teaching him how to be safe on the path and cross the road holding our hands and looking out for traffic. He knows when there is no path he must put on his reins and he does this happily.

One aspect that has aided this smooth transition has been our choice of reins. We allowed him to choose which animal he would like and he carries his ´treasures´ that he finds in the small pocket at the back. He knows we must hold the ´tail´ and if it drops or is not attached he makes sure we´re aware of it!

Now he is almost 3 and venturing out on his bike. With the baby still in the pushchair we go off for walks along the roads without the reins and he knows to stop at the edge and is learning how to stay close to the curb when there are no paths. His brother has started walking and we will be using the reins with him in the same way so they can both enjoy walks and bike rides in a safe and learning manner.

A note on stranger danger here too. Without scaring our son we have started to try to teach him about strangers and crowds. The reins have been helpful with this too giving a restricted distance from him and us in very crowded places. We have taught him that he must always be able to see one of us and that if we shout stop he must stop immediately because he may not be safe. When we are in public spaces with few people and easy visibility we leave the reins off and instruct him on the distance he can go from us. This way he is learning how to play alone but in a way we all feel safe.

Of course our situation is perhaps unique and there are of course plenty of cons to using reins. I do however feel, that used with well thought through strategies, they can be an important tool to help you to feel safe as a parent while you are teaching your child to independently use roads and paths and become a safe citizen.

Off to nursery

The big day has arrived... today is the first day of nursery.

It is one of the hardest things for a mother to do - leave their child with another to care for. I certainly didn´t understand how difficult it would be or how strong I would have to be for my son. My husband and I have spent hours discussing this and he says that it´s just not the same for him. So loaded with my fears, emotions and the knowledge that I have about nurseries and children we began our preparations.

 

Our son has never been left with anyone. I mean not grandparents, aunts or friends. This to me was one important factor which I considered when deciding we would start nursery. Another is the language difference. He knows little Portuguese and would be attending an establishment where he would only hear Portuguese and where they have little knowledge or experience of dealing with a child who speaks a different language. Thirdly, we are lucky that we do not require daycare for working purposes. Therefore it is a choice not to have him cared for but for him to expand his experiences beyond our home and what we can offer him. Suddenly our small poppet must venture into the world and see what its all about!

 

The week leading up to his first day, we spent time organising the materials he would need, his uniform and bag. He was present along all the steps. We also read books to him that contained stories about going to nursery. We also explained to him exactly what would happen and the concept that mummy, daddy and ´baby´ would not be allowed to stay as it was only for big boys. I took him to visit the nursery, we were able to see his classroom and meet his teacher. I was able to ask her plenty of questions and organise an adaptation or settling period.

 

On his first day he really didn´t know what was going on. I told him where we were going and took him to the room where he immediately went to find a big truck that was on the shelf and started to play. As soon as the teacher was free I said goodbye to him and walked confidently out of the room even though I could hear him running after me shouting ´mummy, mummy´. That was one of the most painful things I´ve had to do. I went away from the room so I couldn´t hear him and returned after the agreed 20 minutes to find him still sobbing and gratefully snuggled on my shoulder. The next day he realised a little bit more what was happening and didn´t go from my side. Again I said goodbye and left him for a short time. Each day increasing the time I left him. Two important factors I have seen among the other parents is that a lot of them try to sneak off. I have found in my experience that this just makes the child loose trust. OK, it may be easier for you to get out of the room and you may not have the pain of hearing your baby cry but they will become wary of taking their eyes off you in case you disappear or worse they may find it acceptable to disappear (mummy does it) when you are out which becomes incredibly dangerous. The second thing i´ve noticed is how a parent reacts when they pick them up. Some collect their children using the sad voice saying how sorry they are for their suffering or commenting on the negative aspects of the experience. In my opinion it is much better to put on a brave face, be happy to see your child again and ask them about their time. Did they play with cars, dolls, a friend, did they use paint or crayons? By the end of the first week, my son is coming out telling me something of his day and asking ´mummy´? to which I tell him ´yes, mummy came back at the time we agreed, I always do´. He is asking for my security, he is asking if it is ok. By responding positively (regardless of my own feelings) I will enrich his experience and help him to gain more independence in his small life.

 

We have had a small regression on the toilet training as he refused to use the toilet at nursery but after a little over a week he is happy to go. He also refused to eat or drink for the first few days so again it was important that I didn´t leave him for long periods to begin with as he may not have had a drink for hours at a time. Now he is still not happy for me to leave and does cry a lot, even before we enter the car park, but he is also smiling when I pick him up. He gives his teacher a kiss at the end of each day so he must feel safe with her and he has allowed other children to play with his ´special´ toy.

 

This new stage in our lives has inspired me to write the following poem. Enjoy, and good luck to anyone who is about to embark on this huge milestone, whatever the age of your child.

Dear teacher

Please

Be patient with my son, he doesn´t understand.
Be patient with my son, and offer him your hand.
 

Be patient with my son, he´s feeling all alone.

Be patient with my son, tell him ´soon you will go home´.
 

Be patient with my son, he´s really very small.

Be patient with my son, to him you know it all.

Be patient with my son, he may feel without a hope.

Be patient with my son, and help him learn to cope.

Be patient with my son, and soon you will see,

You enjoy this tiny person, almost as much as me. 
 

Dear Parent

 Please

 
Trust me with your son, when you leave and he cries.
Trust me with your son, when it´s hard to say goodbye.

Trust me with your son, when you feel panic and fear.

Trust me with your son, I will tell him you are near.
 
Trust me with your son, when your heart is heavy.
Trust me with your son, he will show us he is ready.

Trust me with your son, please try not to worry.

Trust me with your son, we are not in a hurry.
 
Trust me with your son, I know what to do.
Trust me with your son, for I´m a mother too.

 

Copyright: Zoe Hamlet Silva 

Floor time - independence from birth

Raising independent children begins as soon as they are born. They must become secure with their family and surroundings to be confident to face the world. When our first son was born he stayed close to us and we put him up to bed when we went and we never had a problem. With our second son things were a lot different. As we already had a routine with our oldest boy we put our youngest on the same routine from day one. One thing I really noticed was he wouldn´t sleep in his moses basket and wanted to be held all the time. He was born much earlier than our first boy so I gave him more time to adapt to his bed. However, I tried to put him there several times each night until he was happy to go straight down and off to sleep. Basically I am showing an example of how becoming independent is a process and each child has a different pace and different needs.

 

As independence is a process it is important to go slow and start early. So to the floor goes our tiny man! The importance of floor time for a newborn is huge. It allows them to have a new perspective of the world while strengthening their muscles which leads them to lift and turn their heads and later focus on an object of their choice. At first they need very little time and we began putting out son for a minute or two on his back then rolling him over onto his tummy, again for just a minute or two. Choosing a calm moment to do this is best when the baby is awake but not yet tired and not straight after a feed. Also being aware of the surface is important. Too hard and they can hurt themselves, too soft and there are fewer benefits. We put our son on a light blanket on top of a thin rug. This meant the surface was hard yet comfortable allowing for optimum movement.

 

Our little guy is now 7 weeks old and has been practising his moves for a few weeks. He is able to hold his head up for long periods of time and move it to see when a sound is coming from. He is also moving around the mat where we place him and he seems to enjoy floor time immensely as we hear those cute gurgles of satisfaction often when he is playing like this. We never leave him to long and always monitor to see if he is getting tired or bored. This is is first step to independent movement and so far he´s having a great time!

From nappy to pants - POTTY TRAINING

At 18 months we made the leap from nappies to underwear. Now a month in we are ready to tell you all about the process and how we dealt with the new situations which we found ourselves facing and how our little boy adapted to this new milestone.

 

The first question I will answer is ´Why so early?`

We have been asked this question several times this month. There are several reasons. Firstly, we want our son to be independent and thrive to help him reach his goals.Here, i´d also like to point out that we never force him to achieve something that is beyond his ability, yet aid his development by giving him opportunities and listening to his needs. Potty training fits here too. It is not just using the toilet but learning to dress and undress and wash his hands and the routine of hygiene that comes with using the bathroom. Sure these other skills can be taught without using the toilet but it is a great way to teach them all at once! Secondly, at whatever age you begin toilet training, it is a process. It rarely happens overnight. We have been helping him to develop his skill since he was able to sit up unaided. At 18 months we felt he was able to begin wearing underwear and taking more responsibility for his body as he was able to use the potty several times during the day. The third reason for starting all this so early comes from a Montessori concept. Why teach a child twice what they can learn once. If you continue to use nappies when a child is able to use the toilet at some point you will have to re-teach them to use the toilet. So we have skipped this re-teaching and been helping him from very early on.

 

And the moment of truth.... was it a disaster???



Well, i´ll be honest and say the first few hours of the first day I did think ´what have I got myself in for?´ But, after the first few accidents and working out his pattern, we have had a wonderfully successful month. We began taking him every 15 minutes until we saw a pattern emerge and saw he could go somewhere between 30 and 45 minutes between using the bathroom. We broke the day down into manageable chunks and got through each hour with few accidents. Each time he went we told him what he was doing and he watched the flush of the toilet then washed and dried his hands. It was very stress free and he was learning the vocabulary quickly and practicing saying them. We made a sticker chart for him so that he could see each time he succeeded and although it didn´t end up working as a reward chart (he is too young really to grasp this concept) it was a lovely distraction if he needed to sit a little longer to ´perform´. We made him dog and nemo stickers and he got very excited about them counting them together and he learnt how to stick them onto the paper (yet another skill).

 

Our sticker chart

Now, over a month into it all, he is able to ask us when he needs to go although he cannot hold once hes asked so we do still have the odd accident. He can go longer between needing to use the bathroom too usually over an hour and we´ve noticed that at least 50% of the time his nappy is dry after his nap of over 1.5 hours. Sometimes he tells us he needs to go when really he doesn´t so he is even trying to trick us and test what happens!

 

We are very happy we decided to go for it and hope we have inspired you too. But remember, if it´s not right for you, your child or your family then its not going to work out well.

Here are a few of our tips to a smooth transition.

 

 

• Try to plan a week of limited activities outside the house. If you start with pants it is not a good idea to put a nappy back on because you need to do the shopping. I rearranged life for 10 days to see how we got on and then we attempted our first trip out and yes, we had a couple of accidents!
• The first time you go out remember to take your child straight to the bathroom. We made this mistake the first time we took him out. As adults we take it for granted that there will be a bathroom around. Our poor little guy didn´t know that and as he had only been using the toilet at home he probably didn´t even know they existed outside his house!
• Have a potty to hand. We have ours in the back of the can so if he needs to go when we are out and about we always have one handy for him.
• Try to have a relaxed and calm approach to the idea of accidents both in your home and when out and about.
• Protect furniture. We have a thin plastic changing mat that we have put on the sofa for him to sit on - it is now his special seat!
• Be prepared for the accidents by having old towels or cloths and disinfectant spray ready. We also had a bucket of soapy water in the bathroom so we could put his dirty clothes in (just for the first week then it was so few we felt we didn´t need it anymore).
• Prepare your child a day or two beforehand. Talk about what will happen and show them the new underwear (allowing them to go shopping for the underwear is a perfect way to introduce them and allow them to make choices).