In today's busy world there will come a time when somebody close to your child has to go travelling whether for business or pleasure. It can have quite an adverse effect on your child but there are ways to help.
I once had a boy in the nursery who lived with many members of his extended family including his aunt. He was close with the whole family although mum was the primary care giver. In this particular scenario it was the aunt who had to travel and when the boy turned up at nursery that morning he was tearful and mum explained that he was upset because his aunt had left. Without thinking too much of it we took him and gave him some cuddles and he was soon off playing with his friends. A little while later we saw that he was upset again sitting in a corner sobbing. I went to see what had happened. Through his tears he said 'auntie' and so I replied 'oh yes your auntie is away, but she'll be back soon'. He looked up and asked 'when?'. I had no idea! So I told him i'm sure she would be back soon but I didn't know exactly when. This brought a new flood of tears and nothing would calm him down. As I knew his mum well and knew she was home I gave her a call and asked her a little more about the situation. She explained that he wasn't so attached but seemed to have been really affected by the absence of his aunt. I asked her when she would be returning and she said in three weeks. I returned to the boy and told him that his aunt would be back in three weeks and that he had lots of time to play before she got back. He settled a bit and went off to play and was picked up soon after.
The next day he returned to nursery red eyed with a tired looking mum in tow. I asked her what had happened and she said he had been up half the night fretting about his aunt and she said she just didn't understand because he would only spend a little time with her each day and it wasn't for a special reason or an important part of his routine. I said i'd have a chat with him and let her know how it went.
I went to have a chat with the sad little boy. He again told me auntie and when I said she would be back soon he asked when so I told him in three weeks. At this he began crying a little harder. I was puzzled. I asked him why did it make him sadder to know three weeks. He said he didn't know. I was at a loss! I decided to get down the calendar and mark off when she would be back and asked him if he would like to help me. His eyes lit up and we sat down and looked at the calendar together. We marked the day she would be back and I told him every day he could come in and we would mark off a day and count how many more we had left. He seemed quite content with this idea and I suggested he went and painted a nice picture so his aunt knew he was thinking about her. Off he went and not a tear from him the whole day.
The next day he came in with his big smile and asked to mark the calendar. We did this for the following weeks and finally the day came. He marked it off and I said he must be excited that his aunt was coming. He didn't really respond but went off to have some fruit. Later that afternoon his aunt came to pick him up. She had heard the story from his mum and thought he might like her to come. Well, he took one look at her and started to cry. 'What's the matter?' I asked him. 'I want my mummy to pick me up' was his reply. After a bit of persuasion we got him out the door and off home to his mummy!
The next day his mum came in with him and told me how he hadn't been bothered at all that his aunt was back and she just couldn't understand what was going on. She said when he woke up every morning he was asking her what day it was and if he was going to nursery and she wondered if he wasn't enjoying himself. I reassured her that he seemed perfectly happy throughout the day and since we had started the calendar exercise he had been fine. I went to have a chat to him. I asked him if he was pleased to have his aunt home and he said yes. I asked him if he knew what day it was and he said it was Thursday, he was right! I asked him if he knew what day it was tomorrow and he said Friday. Then he told me then its Saturday and I don't come to nursery. I asked him if he liked nursery and he said yes. The more he said the more inclined I was to think he was dealing with a time and day issue. He seemed to want information on his routine and what days he did things on. I decided to teach him a song about the days of the week and make a small diary so he could draw a picture on each day. He was so excited about the activity and ran home showing his whole family.
The story here tells us that the absence of a family member can be painful to a child for many reasons.
Recently my husband had to travel for 9 days. It is the longest he's been away from our son and I was wondering what the reaction would be. I tried to keep his routine as normal as possible and not mention daddy too much. The first two nights I had 40 minute tantrums to go to bed and when he woke in the night. I faced them as I would if my husband had been here but it's much harder when you don't have back up! Needless to say he settled down and accepted daddy was away. Technology helped us a great deal as he was able to see daddy at breakfast time via Skype and this really seemed to help as he had a big smile and shouted daddy. The day my husband was coming home I got my son to do some painting telling him it was for daddy and that daddy was coming home today. He painted singing 'daddy daddy' so I think he knew what was going on. Daddy got home and for the following few days we tried to make time for the two of them to do more things together. So instead of me putting him to bed my husband did, he got him dressed and played with him while I made breakfast or dinner. He tried to get home a little earlier from work to spend a bit more time with his boy and all these small things seemed to work wonders for him (and for me as it is nice to have a little rest after being the full time carer for 9 days!)
We can't evict these trips but we can take steps to prepare our children and ease the stress of separation a little.
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